I don’t wanna be a Christian today

Today, everything is falling apart.

Today, I don’t like being a Christian.

Michael’s gone for the next two days, working, but we’re thankful that he still has work. I haven’t had gainful employment since the summer, and I’ve got several possible jobs lined up, but right now we’re just watching our money dwindle. I know God will provide, but it’s hard not to get frustrated. We’ve finally got people on the roof (Ian included), and of course one of the neighbors in our fine historic neighborhood called the city and told them we’re doing “construction.” Since our house is historic, that’s not allowed. What they didn’t bother to come over and find out though, is that we’ve had water pouring into our house since the flood, and if we don’t repair it, then there won’t even be a house for them to whine over. Just as Ian finishes telling me this, I carry my bike down the steps, ready to ride out for groceries, and one of the street lamps (and signs) has been hit by something, something very large, and there’s fragments of broken glass strewn over our step and down the whole block. Great.

Everything is falling apart.

Oh wait, except the roof.

Making anything in the kitchen is a project in-and-of itself right now. Since the flood, we’re still missing electricity in our main kitchen, so we’re using the micro oven on the second floor. Don’t get me wrong, I praise God that we even have two kitchens. I guess I should also praise him for all the exercise it’s forced me into… Time to make coffee. Grind the beans, find a filter, get a pot brewing. Run downstairs, grab a cup. Damn it, I forgot a spoon. Down, up. Maybe I’d like some sugar, and I realized none of my breakfast food is up here anyway. Down, up. Make oatmeal on the stove, of course I forgot a bowl. Down, up. I’d like some milk, and thank God it’s already in the fridge, ’cause I’m not going back down! Done for now, repeat at dinner. Really, it just requires a lot of planning. I’ve been a lot better this past week.

And if cooking for twelve in a tiny kitchen wasn’t enough to keep me occupied, I’ve had doomsday feelings following me around all week. Let me tell you right now, dear reader, starting a business is hard. I’ve been gathering all the required paperwork together this week, and it’s done nothing but give me a huge headache. I haven’t even started filling it all out yet. Baking for family and friends, easy. Getting the state and federal government to give you the okay on selling your baked goods to strangers, hard as fuck. It’s fun though. I love to-do lists, so I’m making each item something I can just cross off once I’m done, and it’s motivating me to keep moving. I don’t want to make this post (or this blog) about us starting a business, but right now that’s a huge part of my stress, so I can’t help but mention it. At the end of the day though, all I can do is shrug and hope it’s in God’s will.

I’ve just been feeling hopeless lately. I feel overwhelmed and ill-equipped and I just don’t know what to do. Maybe it’s God trying to call me back, trying to get me to, in fact, give up. At this point, all we can do is trust that he will provide and take care of everything. And he has so far. But it’s a daily thing; every day we must renew our faith, and say, yet again, “Alright. You must be going somewhere with this.”

So today, I will do dishes.

I will bike to the store.

I will make coffee.

I will vacuum the stairs.

I will clean our room.

I will make ravioli.

I will be a peacemaker.

I will help feed people behind the courthouse.

I will pray,

you must be going somewhere with this.


4 thoughts on “I don’t wanna be a Christian today

  1. Hi Sunshine, I see you did not escape the flooding in Harrisburg. And, I see you are the cook for 12 people. You have quite a job. So 12 people live in your mansion. Wow! I’m having a little bit of trouble completely understanding you situation, but I’m sure as I follow your blog it will all come clear. I hope your electric is restored soon. I know how difficult it is to be without electric (Irene). I also know something about a difficult job market. My husband just discovered he will only have a job until September of 2012 and my son has not been able to find full-time work. One thing I know about being a Christian is you don’t have to be perfect. Only Jesus led the perfect life (and one time he got righteous mad). Keep your chin up sunshine. Your husband will be home soon and life will be good again. :)

    • Thanks so much! He did indeed come home, and life has been easier the last few days. I know things happen in cycles, and you’re always either on the top or the bottom.

      To clear some things up, we had our whole basement flooded (we live right on the river), and yeah, we’re still waiting for government and insurance money to fix everything. It’s kept life interesting. Anddd, for you and anyone else, I tried to describe our situation in my latest blog. Hope you enjoy it!

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